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I need to get this out

Its going to slowly strangle me if I don’t. There is a lot of background that won’t come across, and if anyone actually reads this and wants to know I’d be more than happy to explain.

Since my last post everything has changed. I’ve lost all my family (they all passed away) moved multiple times and quit my long time job by walking out. I’ve changed. Or I’d like to think I have.

You say I can’t understand what you are going through because I don’t have a kid. Here is what you don’t understand. I don’t have kids, you are right. I also don’t get I love you’s anymore. I don’t have the reason to keep struggling through this in front of me, forcing me to keep going. It’s that simple. Having a kid didn’t make this harder for you. Just different. I wish you would take a second to see that, to understand that what I went through was different than you, but that doesn’t mean it was easier. On that note. I was that kid, and in some ways still am. I was the kid that lost my dad at a young age. But I promise to you that I will NEVER do what you did to me. I will never speak badly of his father, or stop talking about his dad. I won’t let his memories fade and fall away the way you did to mine. I will always find a way to bring light to his father’s memory for him.

I don’t know how to relate to you, or talk to you anymore.

I have hope for you June. I hope you are not as terrible as May. I hope that the chemo helps mom more than it hurts her, I hope she regains her sight properly and that he starts to feel more like herself. I hope that people will realize that I am doing the very best I can, and while it might not be perfect, its more than most are doing. I have hope to get my running back (real running not with the dogs). I have hope that somehow things will work out. I have hope that I will get my car back. I hope that my family will heal from the loss of my Aunt and the news of my mom. I have hope that my mom will stand up for me when it comes to a certain situation, while I stand up for her on everything else.

As for my running. I have a goal- its far off since I know its unrealistic to place any races in the near future. I don’t think I will like the half marathon distance. But since I will eventually have to do it because its part of the half iron man, I decided I will do one. In 2013 I would like to do the Vegas R&R night Half marathon. That is the goal- the more short term- than Iron Man long term goal. It is something to look forward to. Its something to work towards. So. Here it is. My goal written.

As far as everything else. Keep on keeping on.

We had actually met her while in the hospital, but it was consult time. We saw where the chemo was done. We talked about the fact that there is no cure. She will die from cancer, the idea of chemo is to prolong her life. We discussed that it will be once a week- two weeks on- one week off. I don’t know if is how they normally do it, or if this is different. Then again I don’t know much about pancreatic cancer or liver cancer. Doing a quick google search of the symptoms- they are pretty much all there. Her doctor probably should have caught this a lot earlier. Maybe I should have been a lot more proactive in her health and fought for him to go tests that show cancer. I don’t know. As it wont matter anyways at this point, its pointless to obsess about. Hopefully the chemo will start next week. Maybe it will help her brain a little. Maybe not, She is improving in that area but not as much as she’d like. She still can’t read or write.

So May isn’t being kind to me or my family right now. The boys finally had a fight on a walk, it took 4 strangers to help me pull them apart. I was a wreck- and devastated. I now walk them separate- I was also bitten so I have had to take some time off running.

Then a few days later my mom started having problems understanding what she was seeing. It started simple- she could see the check- she could see the numbers but she couldn’t tell me how much the check was for. It took me 2 or so more days to convince her to go urgent care. The doctor there thought she had a stroke and advised us to see her general doctor. Who said probably wasn’t a stroke, not to worry, but if I would like he would get us a referral to the neuro specialist. I demanded one right now- not mailed to us. When I got one- I walked down stairs and called- he had referred us to the wrong place. So after finally fighting with them to get the right one- and making an appointment (which I couldn’t do until the next day because of the mix up) I got an appointment for the next day. Luckily the neuro was concerned and sent us across the street to the ER for an MRI- which turned into a 11 day hospital stay, and left with multiple multiple multiple strokes all over her brain- and stage 4 cancer diagnosis. They also thought she had a heart attack- and maybe she did we never got an answer. She is finally home, and working hard to relearn how to do everything. Its a struggle, and taking its toll on her and myself. It kills me to see her so bad and so weak. In two days we will see the oncologist that we saw in the hospital to go over a chemo plan and basically find out how much longer she will live.

Also at one point- when leaving the hospital late at night the transmission in my(Kevins) car died. So currently I am borrowing someone else’s car and hoping for the best since everything else isn’t going well.

On mothers day I found out that my Aunt (my dad’s sister) passed away the day before. I haven’t been close to her— ever. I was much more like my father than she would have liked- but it still kills to know that I’m that much farther away from my dad. One less person who knew him.

So I sit here- just shy of two years without Kevin and having to deal once again with a shaky world. Fear of falling apart at any second. My heart stops every time the phone rings. I am scared of everything. Last week I was so down, it made Mike feel down too- which sucks because I need him more than either of us realize right now. He has been the constant in my life since Kevin died, and while we fight a lot he tries to make things better when he can. I hate that the shit in my life affects him at all, because I need him to stay strong for me.I realize that I have a very unnatural attachment to him. But he seemed to walk back into my life just when I needed a rock and for that I’m thankful for him. Each day.

Yesterday was the first real run I’ve had in weeks- since the dog bite. It felt good- but since I can only do it with the dogs because I hate to leave my mom alone at all. It was short but still got the good feelings going. I feel like today I am handling life better because of that run. Because I got so much of my fear out in the run.

Weekend recap

This weekend was pretty amazing. I got a lot done. I had a list of things I really wanted to do and I did all of it. Yay me. I am going with I kick butt and sticking to that. Saturday was the 2k. It went as well as can be expected with a 4 year old. He whined a lot, it was hot, and the race had been delayed for 15 mins, so he was over it by the time they started. When one of the race volunteers acknowledged him, he would run again, so we didn’t walk nearly as much as I expected. At one time we were near a trail and a women cheered him on and gave him a high five- giving him a moment to stop whining and start running. He was super excited for the medal they gave him at the end. He was so proud he showed it to every single person we passed. We then went to breakfast and had fun with his family. From then on it was, get my to do list over! Sunday I hit the trails for some good personal time. I felt good, got some sun (which used to be evil). I like that trail a lot more than the others.

I have come to the conclusion that grocery shopping may always be hard for me. It really is the hardest thing for me since Kevin died. We used to go together every sunday. It really was our thing, and since his death I am finding it hard to get the courage to go. Courage might be the wrong word. I always leave feeling like something is missing and a little teary eyed. I don’t know if that will change or not. Its been almost 2 years and I still find it to be the hardest part. I also felt strange this weekend due to previous feelings. Hard to explain. As a widow (especially in the beginning) I felt very very very ignored and at the same time extremely judged. I felt like if I said the wrong thing people would assume that I didn’t love my husband, or if I did something wrong, I would look bad. At the same time, very very very few people seemed to reach out and help. Make sure I was ok. Its a hard feeling and I wonder if other widows felt the same way. I am sure they do. I was actually surprised at how many people actually said their judgement’s to my face. As if what I did was extremely wrong and I should be doing it differently. And by it I mean my grief. MY grief. The thing is, what will work for one person wont work for another. And in that leaves a lot of room to feel judged by everyone. Feeling like you aren’t doing things right. Only there is no right and wrong. There is only what works for you. I hope other widows going through the same feelings understand that this. I hope they realize that those who judge aren’t good people and they need to get away. I still feel judged with every move I make. And in a way I am. But I am me, I make no excuses and I wont apologize for myself.

Hi.

I should have updated before. But I didn’t. Don’t know why, don’t even remember where I left off in the drama that is my life. I could look back at my last post, but I’m sure it was before the move and I was in a bad place then, so I’d rather not. I will just update you since the move:

We moved. I like the place. It works for my needs. It doesn’t work for my mother’s needs so she’s more miserable than normal. I probably should feel bad, but I feel that being put in this place was partly her fault, so Deal. I find myself trying to avoid her more and more. Which isn’t a bad thing I guess, just different.

One reason I absolutely love the place is that there are so many different routes to run/walk. I can walk the dogs and then go for a run and take completely different routes, seeing different houses/neighborhoods. There are always others out, running, walking their dogs or kids. I like it. Its not that I didn’t like the last neighborhood, I did, but I like this one in a much different way. I really think Kevin would have liked this neighborhood too. Not for the same reasons, but he would have, I think. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live with him, or what our life would be like after being forced out of the house we considered buying.- Back to running. I am really loving running. I did the warrior dash a month ago and had a blast. I can’t wait to do it next year and do better than I did this year. It was more intense than I thought it would be, but the things I thought I would have trouble with I didn’t. Really there was only obstacle I had a hard time with. Never in my life have I have had so many hands on my butt. I thank all those who helped me for that too. It was an amazing time. I have a 2k race tomorrow. It was my pity gift to myself since I wont be attending stagecoach. Then my friends amazing 4 year old son told me he was faster than me. So bring it kid! I signed his butt up for the race too! Tomorrow I will not only be racing all those others out there, but a 4 year old. And I fully intend to lose. He’s too cute to crush like that.

Yesterday morning the boys got into a fight. It was the first time in a very very very long time, and really shook my mind frame. It took me by surprise and ruined my day. The damage across the board (to humans, to dogs, and to furniture) was really minimal. I am thankful for that, and really Kobe seems un-faszed by it. I on the other hand have the fear back. I don’t trust Ringo around Kobe, I worry about every look he makes on walks, and am constantly attempting to get his attention off Kobe, if it ever goes that way. Oh well.

I went speed dating a couple nights ago. It was actually a lot of fun. I recommend everyone tries it at least once. Even if you are married, try it. The guys were nice, and with 4 mins each it was very simple to find a topic to talk about (mostly cars with me, odd). It worked out well since my friend next me got their history, like where they are from, and all that boring crap. All I care about is will you go line dancing and what car you drive… just kidding, but really?

Line Dancing- am I good? Heck no. But it really is a lot of fun. I even got a pair of (cheap) cowboy boots. I really do enjoy going out, making a fool of myself and sometimes just sitting back with a beer in my hand watching my friend rock it on the dance floor.

So thats pretty much it in my drama life.

 

The new place

So I have been in the new place over two weeks, and its amazing. I am starting to feel like it was made for us. At first I was worried about how things would work, its smaller than the last place and given that we had merged two households and an office, we had way too much crap. Its coming together. Somehow Ringo seems the happiest with the new place and isn’t phased at all. Kobe is adjusting, its taking time for him. The first night was horrible since he was afraid of the heater. We still don’t have an inside the house fridge since ours was too big, its in the garage. That is kind of a pain in the ass. But its only for now. The new neighborhood is full of places to walk and the boys seem to love it. We walk twice a day, and with Kobe its not hell. YAY.